|Making a mess of things
||[Sep. 20th, 2004|08:12 pm]
The big meeting at the Gender clinic did not go well, I was very nervous beforehand, I went dressing in girls combats and T-Shirt, but still looked like a guy, not really a good start if you are trying to convince the doctor you are really a woman. The Stupidest thing I did was when He asked what name he should use, I said my birth name would be ok, just very very dumb. So I spend most of the last week feeling like an idiot and just kicking myself over what did. I just betrayed myself, and ignored some very good advice from a friend, which upset them (which I would be if things were the other way around). I thought about either abandoning or deleting this journal, and withdrawing even more from the world. |
I don't know what end this latest cycle of depression, it was like being back a few years just not really dealing with anything at all well. I guess I just accepted that I'd made a mess of that first meeting and thought long and hard about why I'm doing this. I have treated a number of people badly, just pushed them away when they tried to help, just making myself more isolated. Not having told that may people about what I'm doing was not helping, just having to pretend so much of the time, it is just so very draining.
Before I did not want being TS to take over my whole life but it did anyway, I was not dealing with it well or at best made a half hearted attempt at trying.
Now I just know it has to be a main focus of a lot of what I do, just these things all take time and money, hair removal, voice training and losing weight. The good news from Gender Clinic was they did want to see me again and said I could do a life history document if I wanted. So now I'm focused on writing that document and doing little things to built up my confidence so next time at the gender clinic I can show them (and myself) that I'm making progress and can make ago of this.
"show them (and myself) that I'm making progress and can make ago of this."
"I have treated a number of people badly, just pushed them away when they tried to help, just making myself more isolated."
-TS's have a tendancy to walk over people to get what they want.
2004-09-21 11:55 am (UTC)
Re: TS's have a tendancy to walk over people to get what they want
Still it not a nice thing to do, I really am sorry about it.